About the Journey

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything.  Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you,  so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." ~ Paul Coelho. #justme #beingme #seekthepositive #selfaware #selfcompassion #noselfdoubt #lovethyself

Life is difficult

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; 

It is when you don't understand yourself."

I think this is just one of the many descriptions of depression. 

People always ask why...why do you feel like this, why are you so sad...why why why. 

Well if I knew why, then maybe I wouldn't feel like I do. It's so difficult to explain how you are feeling when you can't really understand it yourself. 

All I know is that it is constantly there, the feelings of despair, hopeless, loneliness and I don't know how to make them go away 😞

When will it happen

It just seems that day in day out nothing changes....my attitude, my circumstances, my whole outlook. 

I know that they, mind you "they" are the so called professionals and the pessimistic people, say that if you do nothing, then nothing will change. You have to make the change. 

But how does one make the change.  I get sick of struggling every day just to get through the day. 

So why is it so easy for everyone else to enjoy their life. What makes it so much easier for them!! 

I think that this is the reason I alienate myself...I'm jealous. Jealous of the life that others lead, jealous of the things they have, what they accomplish and how it all seems to require little or no effort.  Whereas I struggle each and every day...to be me, to be a wife, to be a mum...just to simply be!!

My Mood Today

Feeling sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. 

The many moods of depression 😞

But today....defeated....despair. 

The fight to find inner peace with myself is a daily battle that I feel I lose more than I win!!

I have fantastic support from my loving and understanding husband and I have 2 very beautiful children who are my world. I have so much in my life to feel blessed and grateful about...but the despair remains 😞

PS I Love You

So I've just finished watching my all time favourite movie "PS I Love You" and of course as always the tears are never short of coming! 

Don't we all want to love and be loved exactly like that?

Is there such a love that exists like that in real life? Or is just a movie thing?

Maybe an important message in all of this is that we need to enjoy our life independent of others before we can enjoy it with others!

To be happy with and within ourself in order to be happy with others!

The Path to a better Me

So in my appointment with Dr Torbey yesterday we discussed some of the things I should be doing to help me feel better about myself. 

I need to make time for me, time for just Richard and I, and then family time. 

I need to try and see Marilia again. I think I need that one on one face to face counselling. It seems to make a difference to my attitude and my whole outlook. 

The other suggestion is to conduct daily counselling sessions with myself.  Journal each day about how I'm feeling and anything that has impacted on my feelings for that day. 

Well let's see how that goes...

No Love Today

Not feeling the love today 😞

Although not as down as I sometimes get...it's definitely not there today. 

I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes me feel this way so early in the day. It's not as though anything has really happened to trigger this feeling. 

When is it just going to go away! When will things get better! How can I change my life to make it better! Why is it just so hard!!

Happiness - Making the most of what you have

Yes, I really do think that I spend far too much time analysing my life and thinking about all the things that I don't have. 

Yet, if I look up, just in front of my face, there's this wonderful array of beautiful and loving faces...this is my family, my husband and my 2 beautiful children. Oh, and of course, there's also the 'I'm so happy to see you' lick, lick, lick, adorable face of my nutty border collie, and our 'I'll love you when I feel it benefits me' sweet little Maltese-Shih Tzu. 

These little wonders, that mean so much, are the ones, unfortunately, that I seem to miss...just step right over ( well maybe it's more like steam roll right over!) and continue on my life thinking more about myself. 

Well its about time that these things changed and now is the time for it to happen more than ever!

13 March 2015

Well there's been quite a few backward steps in the journey. And this is not something I'm proud of!

The monster inside me has reawakened. Although I'm not too sure if it's ever been asleep!!

I just can't seem to shake this negative being that wells up inside me causing havoc and destruction to anything in its path, including the ones I love. 

I am aware of this and can clearly see what I do and the impact it has on my family. But why then does this not make me change my ways...

Is it because I feel bad so I want everyone else to feel bad?  Or Is it because I just don't care!! 

I should be a fun loving wife and mum who loves to spend time with her family, one who cherishes every single precious moment. 

So why is it so hard for my stupid brain to grab onto this concept of enjoying life!

Here are a couple of photos of much happier times when things didn't feel so complicated in my life.  This is how it should be now, instead of the wreck that hurricane Michelle leaves in her path!!

Fast Track to Destruction

Where does one stop on their fast lane to destruction...of one's own self and all those around them!! 

Toxic to everyone and to one's own self!!

That's exactly what I am 😞

I am so good at dragging everyone I love down down down!!!

Does there come a time in your life that you just admit defeat and realise that things are just not gonna be what you thought they would be?